I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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