I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
