it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
