If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
