so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
