I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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