my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
