Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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