I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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