I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
