I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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