you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
