I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
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