so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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