Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
