Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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