The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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