How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
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