Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
