That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
