Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
