i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Randomize
