i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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