I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
