this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
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