I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Floor bacon is actually really good
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
