if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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