Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
