apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
