no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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