i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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