If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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