dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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