Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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