As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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