So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
