She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
