You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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