I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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