Dude my mom stole all your condoms
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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