you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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