Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
