My Higher Power is John Stamos
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
