i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
