My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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