I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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