biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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