I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize