he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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