I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Randomize
