eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
