every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
