i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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