I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
She told me I should be a condom model.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize