well I can't set my house on fire every night
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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