i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
