One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
