I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
