we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
