I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
